Akkochan and the Cummunist Party
by Evil Roda
Summary: A specter is haunting Europe... Follow Atsuko Kagari, Karl Marx, and friends as they spread cummunism to Luna Nova!
1. Chapter One - An Incredulous Beginning

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Akkochan screamed on her wathere down from the tower, broom in hand. Suddenly, she was sucked out of the sky by a magical spell, making her floart down gently. She looked at the ground incredulously, then at her savior.

"Who are you?" she said, incredulously. "I'm Karl Marx," said the young man, incredulously. "I'm from the wizarding school next door, Hogwarts. And you are?" Akko puffed her chest out proudly, but incredulously. "I'm Atsuko Kagari, but you can call me Akko!"

"I see. Well, Akko, what were you even doing up there?" Akko was incredulous and embarassed. "I'm sorry to say, I can't even fly my broom properly..."

"Have you tried shoving it up your ass? It works better if you do that." Akko was incredulous. "Holy shit, I never thought about!" she said before incredulously shoving her broom up her bunghole, the brush sticking out like a tail. Suddenly, she started floating in midair. "It worked! Thanks, Karl Marx!"

"No problem!" said Karl. "By the way, I'm a cummunist." Akko floated back down to the ground. "A cummunist? Wassat?"

"You see, Akko, a cummunist believes the means of stimulation should belong to the workers. To each according to their need for cummies, from each according to their ability to produce cummies! Cummies are a basic human right, you know."

"Oh wow! That's neato!" said Akko. "You think so?" replied Marx, incredulously. "I'm glad. You see, the actual reason I was here at Lunar Nova was to start a chapter of our Cummunist Party at your school! How would you like to be a founding member of the Luna Nova Cummunist Party?"

"Boy would I!" Akko explasmed incredulously. "How do I get started?" Karl Marks threw a book at her. "OW! What the FUCK, bro?!"

"It's our Cummunist Manifesto, that's what the fuck. It also has various works by our fellow cummunists, such as Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky. Read it front to back! I also have this crate full of pamphlets and posters to distribute." He incredulously shoved a box towarr Akko. "Use them well, cumrade!" Then he shoved his broomstick up his ass incredulously and flew off into the night. "Fare thee well, Akkochan!" he said incredulously, flying off into the afternoon sky.

"Okay, then, let's get started!" said Akkochan, before running into the main building excitedly and incredulously.


	2. Chapter Two - Preparation C

Akko ran through the halls, throwing pamphlets at people. "Cum to our meeting! All are welcome, except capitalist pig-dogs! Huh, actually, pig-dogs sound adorable, so they're welcome too!" Suddenly, that strict teacher I can't remember the nameof zppeared!

"MISS KATAGORI!" she claimed happily. "What the fuck are you doing even?!"

"Hello, professor! Would you like to come to the first meeting of the Luna Nova Cummunist Party?"

"Cummunist Party?" She took a pamphlet. "OMG! So immoral! This club must be forbidden! Come with me!" She grabbed Akko by the army and dragged her to the headmaster.

"HEADMISTRESS WE NEED TO BAN SOMETHING AGAIN!" screeched the professor, kicking down the door to her own office. "What is it, professor? Is there a new trading card game running amok in our halls once again?"

"Worse!" The professor slammed down a pamphlet on the headmistress's desk. The headmistress looked at the pamphlet and gasped. "Who DARES sully our halls of learning with such garbage?" The professor stepped aside and gestures toward Akko. "Miss Kagari, we will not accept this foolhardy moral corruption in our school! Curse that gay-ass Dumbledore, he should have expelled Karl Marx on day one!"

"But headmistress, what's so wrong about cummunism? Karl's ideas seem really good, and he was super nice! You haven't even given him a chance!"

"Foolish child! Go back to your dorm and never ever speak of this again! There will be no Cummunist Party at Luna Novas!" Akko cried tears of tears and ran back to her dorm.

"And that's what happened!" said Akko to Sucy and Lotte. "I can't believe them! How could they?"

"So they didn't even tell you why they were banning it? That's strange," said Lotte.

"Yes, it is strange. Maybe there's dark secrets that this philosophy would reveal!" said Susie, smiling evilly.

"I'm not sure. I need toask Karl about this! But I don't have his contact info."

"Akko, look!" ejaculated Lotte, spewing semen everywhere. She pointed to the front page of Akko's Cummunist Manifesto. Written there was a phone number and the words, "Call me sometime. ;3"

"Yes! Now I can call him!" Akko pulled out her phonr and dialed the number. "Hello? Karl?"

"Yes? Is this Akko? How are you?" said the voice on the other end. "Is everything going well with the meeting?"

"Karl, it's awful! The headmistress has banned cummunism! I don't understand, why do they hate cummunism so much?"

"Of course, Akk0. the upper class always lives in fear of change, but especially the change broughtabout by cummunism. It challenges their authority, and that scares them. Akko, haven't you noticed that your teachers are always quick to stamp out any sort of rebellious activity even if it's not actually rebellious? This reaction is typical of their ilk."

"Huh, I necer thought about that. But what do we do now? They vanned cummunism!"

"Akko, it is quite simple. Hold the neetibg anywau. We'll show up as planned. Continue handing out the pamphlets in secret. And remmber Akko, cummunism is inevitable!"

"Thanks,Karl Marx!" said Akko, now on fire because of theglories of cummunism. "Lotte, Sucy, will you help me make the preparations?"

"Of course!" said LOtte. "Enh, not like I have anything else to do,"said Sucy ecstatically.

"Great! But wait a ..." Akko said, looking at the pamphlet. "It says here we're minute to meet in the conference room. We need to have a professor sponsor it to hold it in there, otherwise la?" said Lotte. "Maybe she'd be sympatheticto our cause."the door won't even open!"

"What about Professor Ursula? Maybe she'll be sympathetic to our cause."

"You're right!" shrieked Akko. "Ursula's really cool. Let's go ask!"

Akko slammed open the door to Ursuula's tower. "Ursula! We need your help!"

"Ah!" said Ursula, who may actually be Chariot, waking up from a lovely nap. "Oh,it' s you, Akko. What's up?"

"Ursula, I met this boy! His name was Karl Marx, and he told me all about this thing called cummunism! Here's a pamphlet!" She handed Ursula a pamphlet. "But we need a teacher to sponsor our meeting so we can hold it in the conference room! Will you do it?"

Ursula looked up from the pamphlet. "Of course, Akko. We're right up on the deadline, but this date two days from now should definitely still be available."

"Great! Now I can become a revolutionary girl, just like Shiny Chariot! Come on girls, let's get started!" said Akko, dragging Lotte and Sucy out of the room.

"Uhm, actually, Chariot was more of a liberal..." said Ursula timidly as Akko and friendsdisappeared down the stairs. 


	3. Chapter Three - Betrayal

"Welcome everyone to the first ever meeting of the Luna Nova Cummunist Party!" said Akko. "I'd like to introduce you all to the founder of cummunism and the leader of the Hogwarts Cummunist Party, Karl Marx!" Karl walked onto the stage and took the mic. "Thank you, Akko. Comrades of Luna Nova, we are haunted by the traditions of the past. Industry and technology have passed magic by. Yet, byusing the power of cummunism,we can give orgasms to everyone. No onehas to be lonely. You see-"

Suddenly, the door flew open. "What is the meaning of this!" screeched the headmistress. Behind her was the faculty, including Ursula, looking ashamed. "Karl Marx, you are hereby placed under arrest." Karl was surrounded by faculty and cuffed.

"Karl, no! Where are you taking him?! Ursula, help me! You've got to talk somesense into them!

"Akko, there's nothing I can do. I..." Ursula paused. "I'm the reason they found out. I'm sorry."

"Ursula, how could you?" Akko explained. "I trusted you!"

"Akko, I'm sorry..."

"Typical!" Karl exclammed ashe was being drugged away. "A typical reaction of the milquetoast liberal! Akko, Listen to me! Trust no one in the ruling class!Don't trust them!"

"Karl! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Akko screamed.

"I can't believe they took Karl prisoner!" said Lotte.

"I know! But what will we do now?" said Akko, laying back on thebed. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. "I'll get it," said Sucy, moving to open thhe door. She opened it, and suddenly, there was Amanda.

"I saw what happened at the meeting. Listen, Akko, I'm on dungeon duty the rest of the week. I can help you get in to see Karl. Nobody should be apart from the one they love."

"Karl's not my boyfriend!" said Akko. "But thanks."

"It's fact, I'm about to go on shift, youwanna see him right now?"

"Yes, please! You guys wanna come, too?"

"HOld it!" Amanda said, pointing. One at a time! It'll be suspicious if more than one go."

"Okay," said Akko furiouslybefore following Amanda down tothe dungeon.

Amanda shoved the heavy dungin door open and the musty smell of mildew with a hint of corpse hit her and Akko like a soft bullet to the foot. "When did we get a dungeon?" asked Akko.

"It was built with the haven't had prisoners in a hundred years, though. That's one good thing about Karl getting arrested, I finally have some company," Amanda said as they walked past the cells. Some of them had skeletons abd Akkowas crreped out. Suddenly as they walked past one, a half-rotten glowing corpse with one eye slammed up against the bars and screeched.

"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HELLO YES I AM GHOST! NICE TO MEET YOU!"

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Screamed ASkko, screaming. "What the HELL is THAT?!"

"Oh, that's just Violet. She was the last prisoner here before Karl. She was imprisoned a hundred years ago."

"I thought you said you didn't have company down here?"

"I don't. Watch." Amanda bent down. "Hey, Violet, how are you liking your cell? Is it comfy?"

"HIS many tendrils extend outward,  
They touch all,  
All that lives,  
All that dies.  
I live through HIM;  
I die with HIM.  
The path of misery Is the pain of living."

Amanda got up. "See? Cryptic free verse poetry is not good conversation!" They moved to the next cell over, and sitting in the corner was Karl Marx,scribbling in a notebook. He looked up.

"Akko! It'sgood to see you!" Hegot up and moved up to the bars.

"I'll leave you two alone,"saidAmanda before she walked off.

"Karl, I'm sorry. It's my fault you were arrested."

"Akko, it's not your fault. You didn't know that you would be betrayed. The history of liberal betrayal goes back millenia. You see, Akko, liberals are usually part of the middle class, and sometimes part of the upper class, but never part of the working class. As such, their interests lie in maintaining the status quo. They are worse than conservatives. At least with conservatives, we know we are enemies. Liberals say they sympathise with revolutionary causes, but in reality,sympathies only go so far. That is why we were betrayed, Akko."

"Wow. I never thought about it like that. Still, if there's anything I can dofor you..."

"Actually, there is something you can do for me. Take this letter and give it to my associate, Fried Rich Angles. Tell him what's going on, he'll know what to do."

"You mean go to Hogwarts?" said Akko. She curled up into a ball and cired, then said, "You bet your ass I'll do it!" she said,overjoyed and excited to do it.

"I take it visiting hours are over, then?" said Amanda as Akko closed the dungeon behind her.

"Yeah. Wish me luck!"

"What for?"

"I'm off to Hogwarts!" 


	4. Chapter Four - Friendships

Akkochan floated down gently in front of Hogwarts Castle. "Wow! This place is HUGE!" she exclaimed, pulling her broom out of her ass.

"Hey!" Suddenly, a voice/1 A man with a really nice moustache and another man with a wicked (lol) goatee approached her. "Who are you?" he said.

"I'm Atsuko Kagari! I've come with a message from Karl Marx!" she said sadly.

"My name is Leon Trotsky" said the man with the foatee, "And this is Josef Stalin," said Trotsky, gesturing to Stalin.

"Do you guys know a guy named Engels? I have a message for him from Karl Marx!"

"Engels! Where is Engels, Stalin?" said Trotsky. Stalin shrugged. "Well, I guess we'll have to find him, then. Come with us," Akko. Akko followed them into the castle.

"Wow! this placeis HUGE" said Akko, marvelling at the castle. Red banners were hung everyehre. As they walked through the halls, they came upon a huge set of doors. Trotsky opened them and sitting at the other end of the Great Hall was Engels, discussing something with the house elves.

"Engels!"shouted Trotsky. Engels tunred his head towards them. "This is Akko, She's a studentof Luna NOva andshe's brought a message from Karl Marx."

"Hello, Akko. Nice to meet you. Where is this message?" Akko hands him the message, and heopens it. "My word! Cumrades, Marx has been taken prisoner at Luna Nova! We must assemble the Cumintern. Akko, thank you for delivering this message. You're welcome to join us, in fact, I insist you do. You may be instrumental in our plans!" Engels looked to the house elves. "Sorry to cut our meeting short, Dobby."

Engels banged a gavel. "Welcome to the special session of the Cumintern. Ill let our interim leader, cumrade Vladimir Lenin, explain why we called this meeting." Everyyyyone in the room started murmuring. Engels sat down next to Stalin, who was next to Trotsky, who was next to Akko.

"Why is everybody murmuring?" inquisitioned Akko to Trotsky.

"Lenin is Marx's second in command. They know something's up just by virtue of the fact Lenin is the one addressing them."

"Cumrades!" Lenin shouted, silencing the murmurs. "I have some bad news. Karl Marx has been arrested, and is being held prisoner at Luna Nova." The crows went crazy, shouts of outrage being thrown like washing machines. Lenin put his hand up. "Please everyone calm down!" he said. The crowd went silent.

"He has informed us that he is fine, and he has sent us some instructions on how to proceed. Firstly, he has asked that we hold off on a rescue operation for now, and that we attempt to come to a peaceful solution if we can. He's also stated that should we be unable to come to a peaceful resolution, we will bring down the full force of the Cummunist Party upon Luna Nova! Make no mistake, we will not back down on this!" The crowd cheered. Lenin held up his hand, and the crowd went silent. He then moved his hand to gedture towards Akko.

"We also have a powerful ally in our friend, Akko Kagari. She is a student of Luna Nova, and can help relay messages from Marx." The crowd looked at Akko and cheered again.

"Now that we've been brought up to speed on the situation, now is as good a time as any to announce the leadership positions that we've filled. Karl Marx is premier, of course. I am assistant to the premier, and, for right now, emergency interim premier. Leon Trotsky is minister of defense. Engels is General Secretary, and Stalin is assistant to the General Secretary. Further positions are still being considered, and we encourage you all to apply. This meeting is adjourned." With that, Lenin banged his gavel and the crowd dispersed. Thankfully, Trotsky and Akko got up last.

"I'm glad you came, Akko. We appreciate your help."

"No problem! I just hope Karl's okay..."

"Karl will be completely fine. They know that it will be all out war if they lay a finger on him."

"You'd really give that kind of response?"

"Of course. You can't back down from these threats, Akko. It has to be mutually assured destruction, like the Warsaw Pact cersus NATO in the posrwar era. It's the only way to keep the peace with such aggressive barbarians."

"Wow. I never thought of it like that."

"Come on, we'll escort you home."

"Thanks, Trotsky."

Trotsky and Akko touched down. "Thanks again for escorting me back, Trotsky!" elaborated Akko.

"No problem! Take care!" And with that, he took off back to Hogawarts.

Akko skipped into the school happily, when suddenly she was grabbed from behind. "This is out of the ordimmmmmmph!" she screeched as a hand covered her mouth. She was dragged to the conference room and unceremoniously dropped in a chair.

"Now we can begin!" The headmistress banged her gavel.

"Uwaaaaaaaah!" said Akko, tied up. "SHHHH!" hissed a voice beside her. It was Diana!

"Faculty of Luna Nova, I hereby commence this meeting! Today's business: dealing with the cummunist threat!" said the headmistress, overflowing with anticummunist sediments. "First, I am pleased to say that we currently in posession of Karl Marx, the founder of Cummunism! We also have a powerful tool in Atsuko Kagari, who has befriended us and will become our mole." She raisedher wand, and as she pointed it at Akko, she she shouted, "Consumite... ENCEPHOLAROUS!" Akko was hit with a blinding light, and went dizzy. Her conscious mind faded.

Akko came to a moment later. "Eh?"

"Headmistress, are you sure such drastic measures are really necessary? That spell is forbidden by our own laws!"

"That is the price to curb the spread of cummunism! Diana, knock her out and take her to her room."

"Yes, Headmistress." There was another sharp pain, and Akko blacked out again. 


	5. Chapter Five - A Wild Threat Appears!

Akko woke up to see the faces of Lotte and Sucy. "Uwah?" she said, rising in her bed. "OW!" she exploeded, hitting her head on the bunk above her.

"What happened?" explained Lotte. "Diana said you passed out."

"Oooooh, taht Diana! She knocked me out! Passed out my magical ass!" Lotte gasped.

"Why would Diana do such a thing?" Sucy asked. "Ican think of a few things," replied Sucy, "but it's still not in character for Diana to do such a thing."

"Well, she took me to this meeting with some of the factory. The headmistress cast this spell on me. What was it called? Consu... Consumitor... Oh! Consumite encepholarous!" Sucy and Lotte gasped/

"That spell is forbidden! And for good reason!" said Lotte. "I... Oh, Akko, why! What an awful spell!"

"Wait a second, Lotte!" said Sucy. If consumite encepholarous was cast on her, she would be screaming in agony as her mind was slowly corroded away and replaced by the puppet mind."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH?!" Akko shrekked.

"Soyou think she'll be okay, Sucy?"

"Well, it's not like she had a mind to consume to begin with..."

"Hey!" objectioned Akko.

"But why would the headmistress do such a thing?"

"Well, she did say that it was necessary to combat the cummunist threat..."

Lotte's eyes turned into dinner plates. "That's awful! Also. AAAAAAAAAAAH MY EYES I'M BLIND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Lotte's right. What levels will they stoop down to in order to defeat us?" said Sucy. consterbatedly.

"Headmistress, are you sure this is necessary?" said Anna.

"Professor, you and I both know casting consumite encepholarous on Akko will only give us a temporary advantage. by joining with this orgabnization, we will always have an advantage over them. They walked down the staira to the place they would receive their visitor.

"Headmistress, I'm afraid I must make my objections known. The man's organization is so slimy. They've demonstrated their greed and insanity time and time again. Quite frankly, I hate the idea of working with... with... with that rat-faced bastard!"

"To tell you the truth, Anna, I don't like it either. But we do what we must." They stopped at the bottom of the stairs in front of the entrance. The headmistress turned to the professor, her most trusted advisor. "Listen, Anna, I think that, if we play our cards right, we can keep them under control."

"I'm not sure I agree, Headmistress, but I trust your judgement."

"Anna, you would follow me into Hell, but you'd be bitching about it all the way," said the Headmistress with a smile.

"Ain't that tht truth," said Anna. They began to laugh, but that infitesmal phantasm of mirth was soon dashed by the sudden slamming open of the front doors.

He stood there in the rain, bone dry. The suddenly pouring rain seemed to bend around him, not wanting to even make contact with the vile being that stood under it. The witches turned to face him. He smiled at them and smugly stepped through the door, and the door shut behind him.

"Hello, ladies. I'm Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre." Lightning struck behind him.

"Hello, Mr. LaPierre. I'm the headmistress of Luna Nova. I assume you know why you're here?"

"Yes, yes, of course. I've heard of your little cummunism problem. Don't worry, we'll take care of the problem."

"Why don't you join us in my office? We'll discuss this over some tea."

"Sounds good." 


End file.
